now with .02% more haterade!

Welcome to 2009, everyone. Just think, on NYE nine years ago everyone was biting their nails about the entire world going to hell in a handbasket because of the Y2K virus. Nine years later and the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket but not because of a virus.

I was glad to see 2008 go. Last year was entirely full of too much stress and drama, even more so as the year drew to a close. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions anymore (mainly due to the fact that I almost always give up or forget about them as the year goes on), but if there’s one thing I’m going to do in 2009, it is this:

Be selfish.

selfish - adj.
1. Concerned chiefly or only with oneself: “Selfish men were . . . trying to make capital for themselves out of the sacred cause of human rights” (Maria Weston Chapman).
2. Arising from, characterized by, or showing selfishness: a selfish whim.

Selfish is a BAD word. Being selfish is TERRIBLE. From childhood most people are taught that being selfish is wrong. We are taught to be selfless - to share and to concern yourself with the feelings of others. Well, my mother taught me that, anyway.

I’ve come to the conclusion after these past twelve months that I’ve taken that lesson entirely too far. I’ve given of myself to everyone and anyone I remotely cared about, and what did I receive in return? Nothing but drama and stress.

Work -
I took on more responsibility at work because I thought that it would make me better in my department’s eyes, and therefore more likely to be hired on by The Company. All it’s done for me is make my stomach hurt and my blood pressure rise. All my department has done for me has been to load more and more work on me, complain because they don’t like the way that I’m doing things (even though this was the same way the last person was doing it), and make my primary job responsibility be shoved to the side while I take care of what was supposed to be the little things. Oh sure, I got thank yous - a little printed award and a pin; a pat on the back; word-of-mouth that my Director believes I can take on anything and do a great job with it. It’s nice, but not nearly enough to cover the problems that it caused me.

When I was given the extra responsibities last January, I asked for a raise. The extra duties were enough of an addition to merit a small financial increase. My boss at the time told me that because they added benefits on to my contract, that was considered my raise. Meanwhile the health benefits that I received required me to fork up over $1K every year for doctor’s visits before they started paying anything. So not only did I not get a raise, I was paying more bills with the same amount of money as before.

So - what has being selfless done for my career? Nothing other than giving me bullshit and bills.

Personal life / friends -
I’ve been engaged since January 2006. I started planning this wedding in November of 2007. I told all of my bridesmaids that they just needed to get a black dress and nice black shoes. No big thing. I thought I was thinking about them - I was having them pick out what they liked, and something they could easily wear again. Come to find out no one has bought anything yet. Considering the financial situation of 99% of the country, I can understand if they haven’t done it for financial reasons. However, I started getting flack and having people ask me to “just pick out a dress for them”. OH HELL NO.

On top of the wedding shit, I can’t even begin to go into the emotional roller-coaster I’ve been dealing with concerning my immediate group of friends. I’ve always offered help and advice when asked for without question, and instead of appreciation I’ve been getting shoved to the side. I’m tired of being so damn emotionally invested. I’m tired of offering my support and love only to have it pushed away.

So - what has being unselfish done for my friendships? Nothing other than drama and depression.

I’m tired of being selfless. It’s time to be selfish. It’s time to start putting myself first in all things.

No longer will I blindly accept more responsibility at work. My plate is already too full and unless something is swapped out or removed, I will not accept. However, if a respectable fiscal trade is offered and accepted, then I will consider it. I am DAMN good at my job, and I will not have more inane work dumped on me because no one else wants to deal with it. You want me to do more work, you give me more pay. That is all there is to it.

No longer will I offer my undying loyalty to anyone and everyone I know. I will not suffer in silence while I am practically dumped on by people I call “friend”. If you have no respect or consideration for MY feelings, I will not call you friend anymore. I will call you out on your shit, oh yes, because we are adults and as such are responsible for our own actions. I will not cry, moan, wail, or rend my clothing for you or your issues any longer. I have troubles and stresses that I need to deal with for myself and I will no longer accept the burden of others’ problems on top of my own.

Do I still care about people? Of course. It’s a running joke with Katie that I’m “Mama Bear” - I am extremely protective of those who I call friend. If you are a real friend, I will do everything within my power to help you if there’s a problem. Now, though, it’s time for Mama Bear to take herself out every once in a while and leave the kids at home, or kick the bum cub out of the house because she’s tired of his lazy ass. If you are a friend to me, I am a friend to you. It’s that simple.

Call me a bitch, call me unfriendly, call me whatever you want, but this year I am going to put myself first. I want you - yes, you - to join me. Vow to stop taking other people’s crap, to stop putting other people before you, to stop letting others run ragged all over you. Stop being depressed or upset because of other people’s bullshit. Be selfish. Do what YOU need to do to be content - take a vacation alone, see a movie by yourself, buy that cashmere sweater/book/videogame/DVD collection.

Join me in making 2009 The Year of Being Selfish.

Almost a month since my last update. Hurr. The bad thing is that I posted to my LJ but not to my blog. Bad Karen. I’m just going to plead that this time of year has been ridiculously busy and leave it at that. If you don’t like it, deal.

So…what’s been going on?

Lumps -
On November 25th, I went to my doctor to have my lumps checked out. (Yes, my lovely lady lumps. HAR I R SO FUNNY.) The doctor looked over it, did the whole exam thing, and found a couple more lumps on the underside of my left breast. He told me that he’s 99% sure that the lumps are cystic changes in my breast tissue. These changes could be caused by a few different things - age, my birth control (I started on Loestrin 24 back in March), or family history (my mom deals with benign cystic lumps at least once a year). He scheduled an appointment at Ochsner to have an ultrasound done on my left breast, which was this past Monday morning. They did both a mammogram and an ultrasound and the doctor said they are just regular old breast tissue. Apparently tissue could get more dense as I get older, and it also may have something to do with the new birth control. So there is nothing bad going on with my boobs. One less thing to worry about, hooray!

Work -
Things have been ridiculously busy at work. It’s just now starting to slow down due to the holidays and finishing up end-of-year budget things. Last week I came home on Thursday practically about to cry, I was so worn out. The deadline for all invoice processing and accruals was Friday so I spent all day Thursday processing, faxing, filing, and logging invoices in my spreadsheet. Friday I spent all day catching up with PC and peripheral orders, but that was done at home. I have a laptop now so it’s a lot more convenient when I need to be home but I don’t want to miss work, or if I’m working from another location. It’s going to be amazingly convenient when we are staying with Doug’s parents for the holidays because I can just work from the house on the 26th and January 2nd.

I have a few projects that I need to deal with in the upcoming year, so I really need to evaluate my time carefully so I don’t get overly stressed. Especially with the wedding coming up soon. Speaking of which…

Wedding -
Three months. OMG. THREE FREAKING MONTHS. I can’t believe it is getting so close now. I need to get the last-minute things like a guestbook, the picture mat for everyone to sign, make appointments with Damaris for my hair and makeup trial, reach out to the vendors to get final payment amounts, and most importantly GET THE RINGS. I’ve picked out two rings from Titanium Era for the both of us, and accordng to their timeframe I should be able to order them in January and have plenty of time. Doug’s will be a simple band and mine will be a band with a black diamond. I’m taking my engagement ring back to Zales to have it resized up a bit and I’ll wear it on my right hand. For some reason my right hand ring finger is a little larger than my left hand ring finger.

I should be getting the call back from Pearl’s Place for my dress alterations in the next week or so. My mom and I took it in to be altered right before Thanksgiving. I need to stay the same weight from now until the wedding because once it is done, it is DONE. I have everything for my outfit together now - dress, hair flower, undergarments (Spanx, bra, nude fishnets), raspberry flats (from Aldo - so comfy and cute).

Geek -
Doug and I started playing WoW again. He’s already done leveling up to 80 (thanks to the long Thanksgiving weekend) and I was playing my level 40-something druid, Mirielle. Leveling up with her by myself is difficult. I don’t have a lot of health, my spells don’t do a ton of damage, and the only way I can fight worth a damn is in feral forms. Needless to say, if I have two people on me, I’m usually dead. I don’t deal well with mobs. I created a new Draenai hunter, Cylin, on the Skywall server because an online friend, Jen (aka nutcase101) plays there. So if anyone is up for playing and making a new character, start on Skywall and we can hang out. I even have a free 10-day trial coupon for you. I’m up to level 29 now. It is SO much easier to level with the hunter than with the druid - having a pet really helps.

Other -
I performed my civic responsibility last week and went to jury duty. It was the first time I’ve ever been called and of course I was picked to be on a criminal case trial. The case was because a 46-year old man was carrying on with a 16-year-old girl. It was a case of “he said, she said” because she said in testimony they met in a parking lot at a restaurant on the Westbank and made out, which is considered indecent behavior with a juvenile. I was originally asked to be the alternate juror, but one of the jurors had to step down because he realized he knew quite a few witnesses in the case. So I ended up deliberating with the jury - plus I was made foreperson of the jury and had to do the whole “yes, your Honor, the jury has reached a verdict” thing at the end. We found him guilty, mainly because his story was so absolutely ludicrous. Granted, I’m not keen on kid-touchers (who is, really?) but I tried to keep an open mind and listen to the witnesses and take into account all of the evidence. His story was so out of whack that it took a good amount of self control on my part not to stand up, look at the guy, and ask him, “Do you really think we’re all that stupid?”

It was a very uncomfortable case to sit on because all I kept thinking was “what if this was my daughter/son/niece/nephew?” The poor girl lost her dad and the guy took advantage of her situation. He should have known better. On the other hand, the girl was stone-faced when she testified, and I wasn’t sure if she was even remorseful about what she’d done. She was 16, and should have known better. These days kids at 16 know a lot more than we did, and if I was smart enough to not get involved with someone over 18, she should be too. I did see her face when the judge read the verdict, and she was really happy and hugged her mom. Looking back on it, I think she was just nervous. I hope she is going to have some counseling because this whole ordeal is going to leave a mark on her mentally.

When I received the summons back in November, I had a few people who told me to get an excuse from work to get out of it. I didn’t understand why. I was actually interested in serving, even if I didn’t get picked. As messed up as this country is sometimes, we have a judicial system in place that is more fair than a lot of countries out there. I may not agree with a lot of verdicts (take the Rodney King police trial and the O.J. Simpson murder case), but the fact is that they went through the system and got the same chances to plead their cases like anyone else would. That says a lot to me. Standing on this jury really helped me understand a little more of how our judicial system works, and even made me think about applying for a job as a clerk in the courthouse. I suggest that everyone go to jury duty if they get called. Yes, it’s an inconvenience, but in the long run, it’s a learning experience.

Although I am kind of disappointed that I didn’t hear “DOINK DOINK” when court was called in session and when witnesses were called to the stand. Seriously. I would have been twenty billion times more into this if they played the Law and Order sound.

Holidays -
Christmas is coming up next week. I am SO not in the holiday spirit this year. Normally I really look forward to Xmas, but this year, with the way our money is looking, there will be no presents for family and friends. We may not even have the money to get presents for kids, which bothers Doug to no end. As far as I’m concerned, people will just have to understand. We’re paying for a wedding in a few months, we have bills to pay, and it’s just not going to happen this year. If anyone complains, I will be more than happy to have a few choice words with them, and some of those choice words might be of the four-letter kind.

I normally don’t suffer from holiday depression, but this year for some reason it’s hit me like a 2-ton stone. I feel like I’m having tons of stuff dumped on my shoulders and I just can’t handle much more. Between stress at work, living in an awful neighborhood (Doug heard gunshots on our street Tuesday night), having to pay for a wedding, dealing with friends and their issues (that I will not go into here), and having to worry about money for the holidays I just can’t take much more. I started crying on the way home last night, I am so freaked out right now. I just want to get in the car and get the hell out of New Orleans and the surrounding area in general. I’m tired of the terrible neighborhoods, the people who expect something for nothing, the crime, the jacked up politicos, the low wages, and the awful weather (it is almost 80 with 90% or higher humidity today). Please let me go live in Alaska for a few months. Cold and quiet. That is what I want.

So. That’s what’s been going on. What about you people?

I’m sitting here in a McDonald’s, killing time before my doctor’s appointment today. That’s right, kiddies, it’s been over a month since I posted about the lump in my breast. Today’s the day I have it checked out.

I haven’t had a lot of things going through my mind this morning. I feel surprisingly calm, which is odd considering my habit if histrionics when things aren’t going well. I mean, I almost lost my damn mind the other morning when the invitation response cards wouldn’t print on Doug’s printer. So the thought of dealing with doctors and assorted medical financial questions today should be sending me into a right tizzy. I feel calm, though. Whatever happens, happens. I will deal with bad news if and when it comes.

Doesn’t mean I don’t want 10:45 to get here any sooner, though. I want to get this shit over with.

Yep. That’s me at 14 years old. 1991. A sophomore in high school.

What would you tell your 14-year old self if you could? What if you could go back in time, grab yourself, and give them just a little bit of advice? I’m not talking about telling yourself something like “tell your parents to invest in Amazon.com” or “pick these numbers for the lottery on this week” or “bet on the Red Sox in 2004″. I’m talking about a few things that would make the younger you feel better, think better, live better.

I’d have to say the following:

Believe it or not, you WILL kiss a boy. Soon. He’s going to be ridiculously hot, but he’s going to live in Florida. He’ll expand your musical boundaries by making you mix tapes.

Don’t start smoking. It’ll ruin your voice and you won’t be able to sing worth a crap by the time you’re 20.

STAY IN COLLEGE. Go to class, don’t sleep in, and keep your grades up. That piece of paper is more important than you think. Go into communications and radio, not journalism.

Embrace your nerd-ness. Love your geekiness. Collect comics, play on computers, watch cartoons. Don’t be ashamed to be smart - and don’t play dumb because you think boys don’t like smart chicks.

Stop thinking you’re so horribly fat. Regardless of what you think, you’re pretty. You have good skin, thick hair, big brown eyes, and nice lips. A stripper is going to tell you one day that she would pay thousands of dollars for your nose. Someday boys will actually like your boobs. Stop trying to diet to look like every little skinny thing out there. Stop trying to look like your friends. Start loving yourself and who you are, inside and out.

…

What would you tell your 14-year-old self?

This is the second day that I skipped for NaBloPoMo. So I guess I’m out. So much for that idea, right? ~sigh~ Oh well, it was a valiant try.