i want to recognize your beauty’s not just a mask.

I had a really good weekend. Ran errands and spent Saturday with D. Yesterday we had lunch and played games at the house with K and N. D has so many board games that I finally was like “screw it, we have a fellow couple who likes games and such so let’s just do the occasional game day with them”. That and now that we have a fellow nerd couple to hang out with, which is nice.

I actually managed to go the entire week and journal my food by using the BB app. I normally end up doing very well and then I fall of the wagon once and feel guilty and don’t bother journaling it because I don’t want to face my poor choices. But last week I decided screw it, I need to be better with staying honest with myself, so even if I didn’t write it down as soon as it happened, I always wrote it down later. One of the biggest hurdles I need to overcome with compulsive overeating is that I am never honest with myself. I always think I’m zoning out when I start the binge and then come to a realization later, but I’m beginning to realize that isn’t the case. I am actively choosing not to acknowledge what I am doing in the moment, even though I am fully aware of what is happening. I am not blacking out or zoning out or dissociating. I am choosing to not think about it. But then I always spend so much time thinking about it later, and feeling so much guilt and shame. I need to be more honest with myself in the moment. I need to acknowledge how I am feeling, and what is making me spiral, and LOOK at the feelings instead of turning away and to food. That’s the best way to be honest with myself.

Saturday, I went shopping for some work clothes – I was looking for a couple of blouses and maybe a pair of dress pants. I found a few things at Torrid and tried them on – and I HATED them. At first, I was grumpy because I thought the issues were with my body – too tight, too lumpy, too squishy, belly too prominent, etc. So I got in the car and I was in a funky mood. I started talking about it with D and through that sharing right then, I realized that what I disliked was that the clothes I was leaning towards were styles that I used to wear when I worked for another company over 15 years ago – which I have grown SO FAR away from. My preferences have changed so much since then, and going back to it reminded me of a time that I’d rather not think of. Sharing that with D as I was feeling it allowed me to get out of that raw headspace and actually focus on how and why I was feeling that way, which brought me back from falling down the body shame hole. I should really remember how beneficial that was and use that tactic again.